I have disappeared for a really long time. Been really busy with everything. School, family, relationships, travel...life in general. However, I feel empty. Amidst my busy schedule, I have lost touch with myself. Who am I? What inspires me? As I rush through everyday trying to meet expectations, trying to achieve my fullest potential, I failed to consider whether what I am doing is staying true to myself.
I believe this flurried, and sort of aimless, activities, are the result of the lack of a specific goal. Even after everything, I still do not know what I want in life. How sad.
What is my plan for the future? Have I been true to myself? Have I been following my intuition? I am afraid not. The decision to enroll into SMU was already a disastrous one. I knew the school was competitive, I knew I didnt want to do business, I knew I dont like the school culture, and yet, I chose to enroll into the school, instead of going for something which I clearly liked better- comm. studies in NTU.
Why? You may ask. Well, I thought it was the place I could learn to become more outspoken, to cover up my 'flaws' of being introverted and shy.
In secondary school, I also chose to join Band when my first reaction to it was, yikes, no way! I had wanted to join a sport CCA, Hockey, was what I wanted. But a little persuasion from my parents about the sport being dangerous, and I gave up. Gave up the idea of joining a sport cca and ended up in band instead.
In Europe, I wanted to travel alone, to explore, to meet up with my friends. Instead, I ended up sticking to a batch of peeps which I did not even enjoy company with and wasted my whole exchange experience.
Time and time again I betrayed myself. Despite knowing what my heart wanted, I went the direct opposite. Why? I was afraid to step into the unknown. I was lazy. Lazy to make the extra effort to pursue what my heart wanted.
Not only did I betray myself, i think I betrayed my friends too. Feel so bad neglecting them and the WAT incident about me ps-ing weiling will forever be a huge regret.
For my own progress, own interest, I have forsaken the interests of my friends. How bad.
This is now the past and I cannot do anything about it.
However, a new year calls for a new beginning. It is time I revive this blog, and rediscover my path. I will do so by SLOWING DOWN, increasing AWARENESS, and actually taking time off to contemplate.